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Don’t Catch the Moronavirus!

by | Mar 7, 2020

I sneezed tonight.

Big deal, you might be thinking, ammirite? Well, for me, it’s kind of a big deal. Maybe. I know folks who regularly sneeze about 3-4 times a day when they’re healthy. Usually I only sneeze 2 or 3 times every few weeks. Yeah, I’m bragging – I take pride in my nasal care, clearing out the passages every morning with a flush of clean, warm water as part of my daily routine.

But now, with the coronavirus grabbing everyone’s attention, any sneeze or cough has my attention. Granted, we’ve only seen 2 cases in New York so far, the most recent one in New Rochelle, but I believe we haven’t even seen how bad it really is. All I know is, when I look around the train on the way to work, there are quite a few folks covering their noses and mouths with masks, or scarves, or shirts. People are justifiably scared.

Last time people were THIS scared, it was in the aftermath of 9/11…

…and a few envelopes sprinkled with anthrax or baby powder, were mailed around to different places, and the run on face masks began. Yep, I’ll admit: I bought a dozen or so of them back then, which is partly why I’m resisting the urge to do so again. But I can’t blame anyone for doing it. Fear is a powerful motivator.

Especially when the folks at the top are doing their best “nothing to see here, folks” routine. The so-called “president” trump is busy telling people that coronavirus will magically disappear by April, and the number will “be down to close to zero,” when in reality it’s climbing in the opposite direction. As of today, there are over 100,000 cases globally, over 200 in America, which has just reported its 12th casualty to the illness. The number of infected goes up, while the Dow goes down.

But what is it, exactly?

Is it like the flu, as some people have compared it to? Or is it worse, as many of the experts have been saying? The last time I had the flu, about 2 years ago, it was brutal and it kicked my ass all over the place. Shivers, the fever, hallucinations — it was real horror show. And I obviously survived it, but not everyone is so fortunate; they say that up to 56,000 people DIE from the flu each year.

And those same people say coronavirus is WORSE.

So, should we panic?

No. In the worst situations, panic only compounds the problem and makes it more difficult to make rational decisions. But you can plan, despite our own government’s reluctance to do so responsibly – the national rollout of testing kits to medical professionals is lethargic at best, and their attempts to minimize the severity of the situation is irresponsible, disingenuous, and could cost lives.

The best, and ONLY, thing we can do to protect ourselves and our families is to stay informed, and to practice good hygiene. Yes, I’m sure washing your hands for a full 20 seconds might seem excessive and a drag in today’s hyper-fast, instant gratification landscape, but it’s a lot less inconvenient than the fever, cough, and shortness of breath symptoms often associated with coronavirus. 

And, as impossible as it may seem, we must try to stop touching our faces. I’m not sure how well I will fare with that one. I mean, part of the reason I have grown my thick, manly beard was so that I can grab at it thoughtfully, pulling at it mesmerizingly, making you forget what you were going to…where was I? Oh yes, touching the face. One of the best ways to infect yourself is holding the railing on an escalator that someone just sneezed on, and touching your face. Don’t do it, or at least wash your hands first. 

What about big crowds?

I haven’t been fond of being in big crowds since 9/11, and I’m still not. Unfortunately, many of us must endure this in our commutes to and from work.  But instead of staring absentmindedly at our phones, we can be vigilant and aware of our surroundings. If you see someone about to sneeze, throw something at them! LOL, just kidding. Veer away from them. Cover your OWN nose and mouth if you see it happening. It couldn’t hurt, and it might just save your life.

If you feel sick, with symptoms matching the coronavirus, DON’T be a hero and tough it out at the office; you can get yourself sicker, as well as dozens of other people in the process. Get yourself tested by your doctor, or go to the hospital. I have tried Googling “where are coronavirus testing centers,” and I haven’t had much luck. If you are reading this, and have gotten better answers than me, please add them in the comments below.

We need to look out for each other. Check in on our elderly friends, neighbors, and relatives to make sure they’re OK. Don’t stigmatize people who have been infected, because they are still our family, friends, and neighbors, and for all we know, we might soon be joining them. And, as impossible as it might be to believe, 38% of Americans won’t buy Corona beer. It’s funny, because it’s dumb.

Most of all, don’t panic.

If you keep calm, focused, and informed, you will be better equipped to deal with ANY developments. Oh, I almost forgot: if you cough or sneeze, PLEASE cover your nose and mouth – but not with your hand, that you’re about to contaminate 1,000 other surfaces with. Cough or sneeze into your elbow.

They say we’re about 1 year away from a vaccine, so it is essential for us to stay as healthy as possible until then, so we can cast our vote to oust the gaslighter-in-chief this November.  


Until then, be well. ACHOOOO!!!!!



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